Lately I've been trying so damn hard not to be negative about myself. I've made a mistake of growing into the habit of relying on the compliments and feedback. I have to seriously work on my self motivation. I've created such nasty habits, it's been bringing me down and holding me back from being better.
For any other dancers out there who may be feeling the same.... Just remember that the most successful people had to start somewhere. Everyone has to work and bust their ass to get where they want to be. It's all very very possible. You just have to work, and work hard. Just... love it.
soml.
In addition to that, I really need to find motivation to pull through all my busy Saturdays. Dance from 10am-4:30pm. Then... Halloween plans? Where do people find enough energy... Thank you Lord, from the bottom of my heart for Vietnamese subs (L) They have been so loyal to me. Always providing energy for my long dance hours. God Bless the people who work there too! They see me three times a week and practically memorize my order, haha! LOVE!!!!! :)
Dang I am tired. So many late nights :( and chill ass days... but Wednesdays are always killer. Finally collab'ed with AJ today! It probably wasn't the best cuz of the amount of time that we had. But I'm still proud of us! Hopefully showcase will pull it off better than we do, LOL. Let's just keep our fingers crossed :) AAAND, we're doing another collab for senior C next week! so this is all pretty exciting :)
the last few days have been soooo chill. Haven't been to school since monday, cuz me and some praiseteam ppl had to dance for the gr.9 retreats. it's been sooooo fun. playing jayz and the beetles in the school bus.... the yummy food... and can't forget the naptime :) sigh. so chill. I don't wanna go back to school :(
the only down side to the last few days would probably be my lack of patience... mainly caused by iffy friends and lack of sleep... but that's okay. nothing impossible to fix. I'm just so tired :(
sighisghishgihgishgihg hopefully this week will end off on a good note. If anything, halloween is coming up soon :) which is also Pumpkin's birthday!!! ... i still don't have plans... i keep forgetting that i have a social life, LOL. damn.
im floating somewhere in the middle between content and yearning. in many ways im just okay. but there are some moments (with you) when i'm wishing for more. HAHA ugh. personally i hate talking about this. i don't like admitting how vulnerable i am (to you). help me out here :(
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anyway, aj's finally moving to his new house! (which is sooo much farther now). i'm so excited to see it! for a second i thought i was gonna be sad.. then i remembered that i see him 6 days a week anyway... and once he starts driving, there will be no problems at all. SPEAKING OF DRIVING, i finally got my L... after waiting and trying to find my passport... which my mom had all this time!!! passed with flying colours :) can't wait to start driving. damn!
school's just fine. friend's are fine. homework's chillin. i've been doing pretty well. i've only been frustrated with capp... mainly because of my teacher who likes to punish us. all i know is that im probably going to lose 10-20% off of my assignment :( ... i would explain but i'll just get frustrated LOL.
didn't go to dance today cuz i felt like crap this morning.:( slept it off til 3pm, LOL, so i'm feeling a lot better. i think i should've gone to the staff meeting though. damn.
guess i'm stuck with homework. which i'm okay with. i like being ahead.. and having my sundays free. i tried playing omgpop today, but for some stupid reason i can't seem to connect to any games :( i tried looking up answers to fix it, but the only possibility i came up with involves my router's firewall.. and i don't even wanna go there, LOL. so i just played cs, and i was doing quite well.... :):):)
ok and wtf i watched paranormal activity on thursday. i try not to talk about it or else ill freak out. but it was just @#$%^& up. i had to sleep with my parents HAHAHAHHAHA :( embarassing... for any of you who haven't seen it yet...... i advise you not to watch it if you're home alone a lot. or else you're gonna get hella paranoid n shit. and it's gonna mess you up HAHA.
alright... homework time.
enjoy my update. it probably won't come around too often.
I'm so tired. but not in that physical type of way. I feel exhausted mentally. simply because I can't keep up with you. (the both of you) You keep tossing ideas into my head in such a way where i can't organize and keep them down... In a way where i'm happy and smiling... and then denying, and believing, and denying again... then smiling again. then being sad, and hoping and wishing and demanding and now... wanting things to be back to normal.... i think.
... and you. I don't know how you do it. you make me feel like running away from you forever because i can never understand you. sometimes you just don't make sense and after so many years, it can get soooo frustrating. i love you so much, it's infuriating to watch u not give a shit........ so pls..... pls. give. a. shit.
*sigh*
Praying for more patience, "just because someone is giving you hell, doesn't mean you should return it."
ps: THE HELL with the brownies! i'm eating them!! and ur not gonna have any >:(
i've tried making it general rule not to get upset over things i can't control... but i can't help but feel frustrated as more time passes by (without talking to you). i'm starting to think that it was really stupid of me to believe you (and the stupid things u said.) it's embarassing on my part, thinking i was handling things pretty well... until u turned everything around... and now i feel like a idiot. a gullible one. who believes anyone who can make her happy.
damnit!
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weekend's been pretty chill. had my 2nd surprise birthday party (in a row), cuz my friends lost all their creativity HAHA. but it was sweet :) tried so hard to hide my fatigue, still enjoyed everyones company :) thank you to everyone for the birthday love. I am so blessed.
I don't know why you're acting like this. Either you have some hidden motive, or you're simply being yourself. Whatever it is, it's driving me crazy. My wise and defensive mindset is feeling quite rusty. I don't know how to respond or act anymore because I'm so scared of what it'll lead me to. I'm so scared to be happy. But even if this isn't the kind of happy I'm looking for... I'm still incredibly happy. So happy, that some part of me aches... aches as if I'm moving my muscles for the first time in years....
... but being the negative kind of person that I am...
I can imagine myself in the future... realizing I was being a complete idiot for thinking this, and that I took everything the wrong way.. and wanting to delete this post.
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