saturdays. i'm really starting to love saturdays. now that my new mind set is in effect, i find that i'm benefiting more from my saturday classes :) can't believe i didn't see this before! it's amazing how ones mentality can completely turn things around. for something so easy. something so simple. no thinking required. just living, and laughing and reading each other without opening our mouths. thank you for every single moment of peace that you have given to me. i wouldn't be able to live without having you to keep me sane. you are what keeps me alive and breathing and happy :) but it doesn't matter what it's called. omg i'm such a loser. i'm on a vampire high this month. just finished both seasons of True Blood this week, and i'm about to start on vampire diaries today, lol! i'll probably even finish it by tonight. i don't like admitting this kinda stuff but i absolutely looooove the traditional types of vampires :$ i am a quitter. in most cases, i quit when things start getting tough. but for once, i didn't want to quit, even if i knew i should have. even if i know it's the right thing to do, i feel like i've worked too hard to let this go. okay i thought i wasn't shady. but i am. not the smoke a lot/sex a lot kind of way. but in the kind of way where i walk around everyday hiding a billion secrets from everyone. i kind of pretend as if nothings eating at me, because to be honest i don't feel sad. i don't feel bad. I don't feel like crap. it doesn't feel wrong most of the time. most of the time, i just go about my daily life. it's kind of like trying to keep secrets from my own mind, so all i hear in my mind.. is nothing. just emptiness. quiet, nothingness. it's not the peaceful kind of nothingness either. it's the eerie, constant echo, numbness kind of deal. my first set back. my mind is going wild. everyday it's going wild. assuming, dreaming, wishing, wanting. i'm constantly on edge, always guessing what's the meaning of this and that and why this and that is happening and what i'm gonna do about it.... i'm exhausted by the end of the day. but i'm happy and smiling. my patience is growing more and more after each challenge. you're influencing me without even knowing it, and it amazes me... but scares me at the same time. how can i be manipulated so easily? but in the frustrated, "i hate you" kind of way. and it's not the "i hate you because you're right" kind of way. it's the, "i hate you because you're an inconsiderate, loud mouthed, self centered jerk who doesn't know when to draw the line" kind of way. i've been so patient with your attitude, because i thought it would pass. i thought it was because you were having a hard time with certain things, so i waited. i waited endlessly for you to quit favoring your bestfriends and start treating the rest of your friends with respect. quit thinking you're so hot and better than everyone else, because when it comes to being a nice person with a nice personality, you're definitely not on top. for the most part, i could probably be the most pessimistic person in the world... but at times like this, i feel like i'm the most ambitious cuz i'm basically attempting to succeed at something TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE. it makes me laugh just thinking how serious i really am.... then it makes me sad :( the next few days will be dedicated to dance, eating and studying for exams. haha jk but my back is killing me. bc catholics went by waaaay too fast :( congrats to all the winners, and another good job x a million to the seniors! you make me so proud!!!!! now that it's over, i gotta get back into school mode cuz exams are just around the corner :( on the plus side, i feel more prepared this year for my exams than any other year, so hopefully all this hard work is gonna start paying off. for all the girls who post drunk/passed out pictures of yourself... i just want you to know that you girls are totally embarrassing yourself. i mean, yeah it's pretty funny ahha i'll admit. but the reason why it's so funny is cuz we're all laughing at you. it doesn't really make you look cool (like you probably assume it does, lol.) it's actually pretty embarrassing, if i do say so myself. makes you look easy, lightweight and owned. 'cause while everyone's having fun and taking pictures of you (probably with writing all over your face), you're passed the fuck out, missing all the fun :) but the real question is: did you really have a good time at that party last night? or were u too drunk (that you passed out) to remember it? lawwwwl

Broken heart

Because you see…
a broken heart is a heart that has been healed.
a broken heart is a heart that has reached its acme, its most perfect form, for it is when our hearts are completely broken that our hearts resemble God’s…for isn’t His heart continually breaking for us?
a broken heart is a heart that is whole, complete, for it is when we are broken of ourselves, of our desires, of our self-dependence that the Holy Spirit can reside and overflow within us.
a broken heart is vulnerability, and vulnerability is the highest form of courage (in my opinion).

a beautiful paradox huh?"

AJ WITH HIS BRAND NEW BABY!!! :D

my god this song makes me wanna get up and dance like no tomorrow :$ i should be sleeping, but fuck it i love this song!

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

praying and praying and praying that aj will get approval for his brand new car!!! :$ I don't know if it's supposed to be a secret, but oh well haha. excited to ride that shit damn. it's so pretty :$ i have a weird fetish for cars with curves, hehe. i've watched him walk all over you countless times. most times you weren't even aware, which makes it even worse. you've heard so many stories, but you just wanna know for yourself. i can't even imagine what that's like. but what astonishes me is the fact that you're still sitting there. a slave to his sweet talk. always welcoming him back...

like i said, i can't even imagine what that's like. so i can't speak for you, or tell you what to do. but this i know for sure:

you're worth more than this. i may not know you as well as your bestfriends, but i know this much. you are worth more than this. he's not giving you what you deserve, and you're too caught in his trap to admit it. he'll tell you everything you wanna hear, which makes it even harder. you've been through too much to let him go now, and you're questioning whether this is the "real him" and not just the guy he knows you want. he'll be whoever you want him to be. but is that a good thing or a bad thing? friday's lunch was a get away. might not have been the smartest idea because I had a chem test last block LOL but at least i understood most of it. I was just too lazy to finish it HAHA. pretty satisfied with my english mark right now though. it's the kind of mark that i feel deserving of. kinda surprising, but i still feel like i deserve it :)

oh and apparently my family's feeling really proud of me because i'm being responsible :)... and apparently they're always talking behind my back about it, lol. oh well, I kinda feel like i deserve that too.

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today i literally worked my ass off. it might've been hard work, or it might've just been the fact that i gained some massive weight during the break, lol :( but either way it feels good, hehe. this is why i love dancing!!! i want this shit forever.

PS: finally got my comment link back up!! all this fucking html shit is so complicated sometimes, but i managed to fix it :) They say that gossiping is like ripping a feather pillow from the roof of the tallest building...
They also say that trying to take back what you said is like trying to recollect all the feathers you lost. which is virtually impossible.

(I'm not too sure if this metaphor ties in perfectly with what i'm about to say but i'll carry on anyway.)

consequences are inevitable. and by that, i mean that it's gonna happen no matter what you do. mind you, these consequences don't always happen the second after you decide on something. it can happen years later. What i mean to say is that, every decision you make will effect your life somehow in some way whether you choose to or not. shit, even meeting someone can effect your life forever.

the problem here is that we aren't always thinking about the consequences/after effects of what we do. a lot of us are stuck in the "am i happy now?" and not so much "will i be happy later?" and what we usually miss is the fact that sometimes we gotta sacrifice our happiness now, so in a sense we can "save it for later".

it's like saving your money. perhaps not going out for lunch all the time can end up buying you a laptop at the end of the year. all we have to do is be patient. the long run is what really matters anyway...

to break it down...
my friend used to compare our decisions to rocks. the bigger the decision, the bigger the rock. if you were to drop a big rock into the pond, it would obviously produce a bigger splash which would also cause bigger/longer lasting ripples. these ripples would be our consequences. the bigger the decision, the bigger the consequences and the longer it will last...

so where does this leave us? I'm not even sure if all of this is tying together, haha. but it's basically just thinking before you act. probably asking yourself the simple question, "will i regret this later?" well actually, that's only if you actually give a shit about whats coming at you. a lot of people like to live in the moment and just "fuck it and have fun". which I can understand, but you gotta draw the line some how right? I mean, do whatever you want. just be prepared to deal with the consequences afterwards.

how exactly does this tie in with the feather pillow metaphor? i guess you can draw your own parallels. all i know is that whenever i remember that story, i always end up keeping my mouth shut :$

just think before you act. you might make a decision now, but you might not be able to deal with the consequences later.

"I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke."

# # #

excited to get back to dance tomorrow. time to kill it and hella improve this year. I'm not going to spend too much time on choreo right now. My main focus will be my dancing and execution (my weaker spot) and to really get to know my body. all i have to do is save up and take 73948723042 classes :D!!!!!! shiiiiit a lot of the time, i try to convince myself that we're balanced out. most days it actually works. other days, i'm stuck feeling small and unimportant. yesterday, i saw for the first time how much you deserve... and how often i fail to give it to you.

i don't know what you see in me, or what exactly compels you to stick around. i don't think i'll ever understand. but thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for your never ceasing patience and love. pain like this before HAHAHA

CYPRESS WITH THE BOYSES

(in summary)
slept at 6am, woke up at 7. showered and got my stuff ready. made breakfast for aj. ervin antho and flojo arrive. we're all so damn tired and late LOL. after a breakfast stop, we finally hit the road up to cypress. porson decides to join the ride. cypress is wet. 3 parking lots later, me and aj grew monstrous muscles from carrying our gear .... the rest of the boys settle their rentals then we hit the slopes!!!!

.... basically, i was on my ass more than i was on my board haha! i really am terrible at snowboarding :( but thats okay! im getting better. i still burst out laughing when i remember all our horrible bails. especially when flojos clothes came off as he tumbled down the mountain. oh and cant forget the super pretty views :$:$ i couldnt get enough. thanks antho for the spot. and thanks aj for riding the last slope with me... which took me almost an hour and a half to finish HAHA :(

til next year, boys!!! :) .... can we massage eachothers: shoulders, necks, wrists, thighs, butts and calves please :( snowboarding tomorrow!!!!! everyone's been hitting up the mountains this past week, so i thought i should go too HAHA. wish i wasn't so damn poor so i didn't have to ask everyone for gear :$ but i'm safe now thanks to my #1bessieinthewholeworld yadayadayada, you know the rest :) spent new years with family and good friends. enjoyed moments like: accidentally breaking my piggy bank :(, collecting $8.25 worth of new years loot, eating shitloads of fondu and all that fun shit.

supposed to chill and trip out while watching avatar with migz today but i got lazy lol. can't wait for the after boarding sesh and hotpot tomorrow!!!! :)


this woman's work

thanks to all the good ass people who came by today. that's love :) but only the cool people got money from my family HAHA